Working at Home & Isolation

What happens when your husband lands a new job 100 miles (and more) from all of your friends and family just before you give birth to your first child and quit your full-time office job to move that far away with him?

You run the risk of people acting like you live on another continent altogether. People hardly come to visit. Over the years friends have even reverted to e-mail contact rather than telephone calls. Let's face it, talking on the phone with little ones is challenging on a good day, and since I became a mother later than most of my friends, once they achieved telephone-talking-with-ease status they then entered the overscheduled-child phase, which to this day does not afford anyone spare time. Still e-mail contact. Sigh.

Now compound that situation with working at home in a digital/internet era....practically no adult interaction/contact. My life literally consists of upstairs, downstairs, school, and the grocery store. You can throw in the doctor and dentist outings and only 1 sport each per child.

It is isolating enough that when my mom called at the last minute to invite me to travel to Illinois and camp out overnight in freezing temperatures to try out for Deal or No Deal, I actually jumped at the chance - it was actually appealing! Luckily, the folks at the Pier let everyone who could fit inside into the building so we wound up non-sleeping warmly on the floor of a public building with complete strangers. We met some funny folks and did have a good time. (Didn't make the show though). My husband was dumbfounded that I said, "It sounds like fun. Why not?" As soon as I said it and knew the weather forecast, I knew I was truly a desperate woman with a skewed perception of fun these days.

As a work-at-home mom whose job is computerized, including most communication with clients, you take chances to get out whenever they present themselves whatever the opportunity.

I've made new friends in this city, but I am forced to keep my distance somewhat, for my own sanity. The downside to being a work-at-home mother is that it is a rare person who understands that you have a real job to do and that you still have deadlines. If they could stop asking me for bogus play dates at my house wherein they arrive and announce as they wave goodbye they will be gone for 6 hours to another city or quit copping out on the kid swaps we've tried to plan (I keep their kids for 2 hours and they keep mine for 45 minutes or can't do it), I'd probably have more of a life, but that is not, nor has it been, my reality in the 10 years I've been working at home unfortunately.

You get the requests to let so-and-so's child ride the bus home with your child until they can pick them up 2 hours later from those you hardly know because they merely heard you work-at-home and must therefore just simply be at home, whether it be due to an older sibling's appointment for which they don't feel 2 or more children should be pulled out of school early, or not being able to greet them at the busstop for any reason, to the parent who is trying to accommodate the child who just simply does not wish to attend their sister's cheerleading competition or sports event and hearing a mother of a boy making a play date with your daughter while saying "Every Wednesday we need him to have a play date due to *this reason.*" Hmmmm, a/k/a free babysitting service. (Just FYI, if the play date is with your middle-child daughter who has a "cool" older brother, there is nothing but trouble, as that child will inevitably ignore what was supposed to be his playmate as he gravitates toward the boy stuff and older boy). It can get really astonishing the requests you receive with no attempts at hiding the true motives behind them, but worse, with no real consideration as to how this request will impact you. (You might not know it moms, but we're onto you!) It drives me absolutely crazy when a parent allows their too-young children to play with mine on days I have hired a baby-sitter to help me out - I still can't get work done worrying about whether or not my sitter can appropriately tend to my kids, let alone the 3 extra small ones who don't belong here, and on my dime picturing the other mother accomplishing her dish washing, laundry, or simply having an uninterrupted telephone conversation with her friends).

Don't get me wrong here either. I do readily do things out of the kindness of my heart such as snatch up the neighbor's older 4 children under the age of 6 just so that she and her newest baby can nap together, etc., but I have to do those things when I am able to, not because other people think I am able to or should be able to. I'm the first one to offer to take a child, even if it is inconvenient in someone's time of need, but I don't consider your schedule, other child's appointment, or your social life a time of need. When one of my children has an appointment, they all come with when there is only one parent available. I once sat here with 3 children down the street whose parents had to rush to the hospital to have a baby. This was no problem for me. I was happy to do it. It became a problem, however, on this school night, to learn that grandma and grandpa were also at the hospital rather than caring for these children. Couldn't they see that all of these children were going to be exhausted for school the next day, as it was now 11 p.m.? Couldn't they see that because they couldn't get to sleep due to the excitement (their children and mine at the novelty of a sleepover on a school night), that this was setting my work back hours and that I would have to stay up later to get it done? The answer is "No." The work-at-home life seems a breeze to outsiders.

For me it got to a point where I knew not to answer my phone, that I had to outright say "I'm sorry, but I can't because I have to work." and NOT buy into the child-swapping ideas with just anyone. Funny thing is, out of all these people, those who only required my friendship to serve their purposes no longer call at all and are therefore not a true friend. Because I can't tell who these people are or are not in advance, I have to keep my distance.

It is important to take into consideration that a work-at-home mother does have a job to do and that while you think she is always available, she is not. A work-at-home mother would LOVE to be your friend because she craves adult interaction due to her isolation, if friendship is all you expect or demand of her. Talented at juggling, time-management, prioritizing, and sacrificing is the work-at-home mother, and she will be there for you, and even offer to be there for you, whenever you need it or could just use a helping hand regardless--if you don't abuse her. She could certainly use a helping hand herself some days.

Has this been your experience being a work-at-home parent? How have you dealt with those who just don't understand? How have you dealt with the isolation or how do you combat it?

Even the Best Laid Plans.....

It's been crazy here lately. I've been getting lectured by other working mothers about how I should just buy a store-made cake, store-made costume, etc., but the fact of the matter is that I WANT to do these things. I actually ENJOY them. I actually believe I was meant to do them. I get such satisfaction from doing them as well. I hate that my "life-n-stuff" gets in the way. I do the best I can.

I know my 3-year-old doesn't mind what his cake looks like as long as it had some train tracks and a Thomas engine on it and I know he didn't even care what he was for Halloween, other than avoiding scary since he's a big ol' Halloween chicken. lol.

I know not every working mother encounters the same issues as I do because circumstances vary so greatly. For me, however, I've learned that with working opposite schedules as my spouse so that there is always one of us with our kids, the days of the week an event/holiday falls on combined with his rotating schedule really impacts whether or not I can accomplish what I have planned. See, if Halloween had been on a Monday or Tuesday this year, I could have had "my" weekend days to tend to finishing the costume, baking the cake/decorating it, creating those mummy cookies my oldest son unknowingly volunteered to bring to class for his party, etc., but Halloween was at the end of the week and DH wound up having all sorts of last-minute overtime last week on his "weekend days" that I was counting on, including "my" whole weekend prior. Since I work around his schedule, it drastically cut down on my available hours to accomplish work, let alone all of these other extra to-do items I added to the list.

To complicate matters, my parents decided to come out for a visit on Halloween day for the first time in 18 months! Now instead of pizza and on-the-go foods (parents have dietary issues), I needed to cook a meal! I needed to have my 3-y/o's birthday party between 4:30 and 5:30 (the time the older kids get home and he wakes from his nap), serve up a dinner, finish sewing that bone on the costume, cake and presents, get 'em all dressed and go trick or treating in a one-hour period!

So, the cake didn't get decorated the elaborate way I had planned. Instead I did it in 20 minutes flat - thank goodness for green icing spray paint--I didn't have to tint the frosting myself to cover the top only for grass! Heck, he didn't even say a word about the pink frosting that should've been red!

I didn't get to make a new loin cloth for the Bamm-Bamm costume that was too tight for my little T-o-T'er, and the fleece body suit I made from a jammie pattern in a large size was now too big because the weather was so nice and we didn't need the extra clothes beneath them. This in turn meant that the red drape over his shoulder also fell down frequently. There was no pattern for the Bamm-Bamm parts - I just winged it. I think it was pretty darned good considering that was my first crack at sewing since 7th grade home ec! (the costume dilemma was also compounded by the fact that since the pattern actually fit all 3 of my kids I decided that I could make them all jammie bottoms, but this meant I needed to start with cutting out the largest size first and then reducing the pattern to the smallest size before I could get to the costume for the smallest kid!)

The foam DH bought from the craft store to carve into a club and a bone for the costume couldn't take the spray paint. The spray paint ate the foam, some sort of chemical reaction I suppose. I had to scramble to find a paper mache recipe, which is surprisingly easy - messy, but easy. Flour, water, and salt and newspaper strips. Set onto a heat register, it dries relatively quickly. This could now take the spray paint. (Beware of dogs, however, as ours wanted to eat them in a bad way - couldn't stop trying to lick them before the paint was added!)


I also did not make a salad for the dinner. Instead everyone settled for the cornish game hens with sausage stuffing and garlic asparagus only.

I also didn't get to send in the mummy cookies with my child to school that morning because we ran out of white chocolate chips and I was 2 cookies shy of making the class count (would have only been 1 shy had I not eaten 1, but they are so good and fudgie AND it seems some pantry gnomes were munching on the white chips, hence the shortage). The night before, I knew I was going to be cutting it close. I asked my son if it would be okay to have Dad stop and buy a store treat for the school party, but his eyes welled up and he explained that he had bragged about those cookies and another kid who had them had chimed in on their deliciousness, so all the kids were looking forward to them. Sigh. Yummy mummy cookies it is then. The cookies were finished the following morning and dropped off at school by noon.

I got it all done somehow, but my back and feet were aching from being on them for 2 days straight. Wouldn't you know it, all that work on the costume, which wasn't too bad, just stressful timewise with a little stinker who liked to sneak up on me and step on the sewing machine pedal, and my little real-life Bamm-Bamm decided after about 40 minutes that he wanted to go home and play with his new birthday presents. lol. Where are the Flinstones these days anyway? I had to find an online Flinstone episode to show my baby who Bamm-Bamm even was! It was the episode he got adopted and my baby loved it - took to clubbing items right away while saying Bamm-Bamm. He was really impressed at how strong he was. lol.

I took all day Saturday, a weekend day DH had in common with me for a change, and we both just recuperated from our week together as a family, which doesn't happen but once a quarter it seems. Sunday I worked all day catching up what I had to ignore on Friday, cleaning up, invoicing, etc., then back to the usual. What is really important to me is that all 3 of my kids were happy and have no idea what I went through just to see those smiles on their faces!

Another "leak" story....

As a work-at-home mom, I work in the basement. Despite having heating vents down here, it is cold as all get out. In the summer, I frequently wear long pants and long-sleeve shirts, but am able to forego the slippers. Not in the winter. In fact, I sometimes add a blanket over my shoulders and a heating pad underneath my slippers in the winter. My feet still get cold, probably due to the concrete floor under my carpet.

A couple of years back, with feet that almost burned with cold, I finished for the night, at around 2 a.m. as usual. I went upstairs to wash my face and ready myself for bed. I had, however, noticed earlier I had an eyebrow hair, a stray one that appears from time to time, that needed plucking. I remembered I wanted to pluck this as I warmed the water running in the sink. This eyebrow hair, however, takes multiple attempts at plucking for some reason. It is almost as if it is cemented to my brain or something. All the while the water is running just under my nose in the sink as I stood there in my socks AND slippers on a bathroom area rug leaning in close to the mirror.

Suddenly, I felt this wonderful warmth spreading over the sides of my slipper-clad feet starting from the bottom up, slowly. I welcomed it. It felt so good. I thought for a brief second how wonderful it felt while wiggling my toes to suddenly realizing there was no heating vent underneath my bathroom vanity! I looked down and could see the rug beneath my overprotected feet was wet. What's worse I lifted the rug and could see the water it had damned up to remain under the bathroom vanity. I shut off the water, and suddenly I could hear more running water through the laundry chute door! I ran to the top of the stairs, and opening the door was as far as I needed to go. I could clearly see the waterfall I had created cascading from the ceiling. I hollered for my husband to come help. Firstly he was not happy about being awakened due to my stupidity and secondly he was not happy at how extensive this little mishap turned out to be.

As we stood in the basement waiting for the water to stop flowing through the ceiling and as I amazed at how that little vanity getting soaked upstairs for about 5 minutes could equate to a 6-foot radius circular waterfall over the entire center of our house and directly over the furnace and duct work, etc. combined with how it happened, my enjoyment of warm feet and having a blonde moment, the thought about the story from the view of sharing it in the future hit me and I got hit with the giggles. Who knows, maybe I was slap happy, but I do often tend to not get out of sorts because it just means you are still dealing with what needs to be dealt with, only now you're mad on top of it and complaining never helps anything......DH was not amused. He was scrambling around, as was I, and he yelled "I don't see what the hell is so funny!" He does now, but he didn't at that moment! Luckily for me, and DH's tendency towards a foul mood, the furnace survived and there was no extensive damage due to that part of the basement being unfinished at the time.

The economy and my goals - scary LifeStuff!

I have to admit that I don't get to follow the news much, as whenever I have a child-free or husband-free moment, as well as no domesticated task to tend to, it is spent on working my transcription business and working on my patent and all the future tasks coming 'round the bend involving this new venture.

I had listened to a couple of friends and family members express how scared they were last week about the economy. Since I've felt a sense of fear for the future of my children since the big September 11, I didn't realize all this was going down. After the third person mentioned it, I decided to take a break and turn on the news. I can hardly tear myself away from it. I was unaware just how serious this was.

I'm worried. Not only am I worried about all of us because of what I'm watching and hearing, I'm worried about our livelihoods, my transcription business, and being able to move forward on my invention. Have I really waited almost 2 years from concept/prototype to being within weeks away from a final provisional patent application that I may not be able to move forward?

This brings with it many more questions dependent upon what I heard throughout the day...."Companies can't get loans to pay their employees."....my clients will pay their employees before me if that is the case (and understandably so).....What happens if my current clients are unable to pay me? What happens if I'm in turn unable to pay the girls depending on me to support their families?......"You may go to the bank for a withdrawal and nothing comes out."....Despite my money being in an FDIC bank, will I be able to take out a large lump sum in two months IF I'm able to even find a manufacturer willing to work with me in this economy? Might I lose out on the 12 months of my provisional protection coverage because I can't even get a professionally manufactured version made? Will I even be able to apply for the utility when the 12-month period expires?.........to "It is wrong to call this a bailout deal, as it is actually an investment deal, and this is a good thing...." I'm so confused and tired of thinking in all these different directions.

For the first time, my carefully laid plan seems so weak, as does the future I have chosen for myself.

At the very least, no matter what goes down, my family and I will remain a family, and we will persevere, albeit possibly with a saddened or disappointed mommy and wife.

I'm lucky in that I know how to survive when the chips are down, thanks to my mother and grandmother. I come from a long line of women who have triumphed through some extremely trying times due to their strength, and I know I can weather any storm -- it is the storm that comes with strict rules, stipulations, and deadlines that is bothering me at the moment combined with the uncertainty as to whether or not I can meet them, especially knowing that I could have met them all last week. The unknown scares the heck out of me.

How 'bout you? What scares you most right now about this situation?

WAHM-Frustration Meltdowns can be productive too...

Compared to yesterday, today was an extremely productive day. I've both accomplished a little bit of everything and fully accomplished a few things.

My PPA is reviewed and marked up with edits (lotsa typos) and questions for clarification (Can you hear the "cha-ching" that I did with each pen stroke? I don't think I should be charged for editing typos - do you? lol. Lawyers are expensive!) Of course, now there is a whole weekend to pass before they are received by the attorney, but they are there.

I think temporary frustration meltdowns and feel-sorry-for-yourself days are not only completely normal but completely healthy to have. I believe that you can be twice as productive as soon as the moment passes as well. As problem-solving mothers, the whole time we're sulking, we are thinking of a solution or a way to combat the problem the next time around.

Not only do I tend to clean and organize while I'm sulking about being pulled away from the task I would rather be tending to, I get some minor things accomplished that I don't even really notice until the end of the day, such as art project time with the kids as I simultaneously clean out the fridge here and there and remove old artwork cluttering the doors, as well as outdoor play time with the kids as I play a little and also somehow simultaneously fertilize and prune the landscaping. Each accomplishment is a plus, no matter how little. Granted, I was up 'til 3 a.m. finishing the work that can only be tended to after they go to bed, but I enjoy having an excuse to also spend that extra time with them, so instead of viewing DH being called away to work as imposing on my time, I turned out appreciating the extra time with my babies.

Try to remember to make yourself a little list, even if a mental list, of all of the minor tasks you completed when you feel as though you are accomplishing "nothing." Feeding and bathing the kids counts as something! We do so much in a day that we tend to overlook the everyday mundane and trivial tasks we complete. They are all accomplishments! The trivial, everyday, and mundane tasks will need to be dealt with on another day anyway, and now it won't be the day you get to tend to the more pressing and important tasks! There always turns out to be a positive somehow!

Do you feel that you can never catch up? Is each task, no matter how small, somehow a victory?

WAHM/Patenting-Temporarily being shelved - AGAIN.

Yes, I'm having a whiny day. I feel I have a right to feel whiny every once in a while. I am constantly working on so many different projects and working in so many different roles, and I feel that I could get it done if I had some help around here. Don't get me wrong, my husband does do some dishes, and he even does a little laundry and makes beds - he surface cleans here and there - but working around being a mother to a toddler, whom we refer to as my butt barnacle for obvious reasons, my two older kids' schedules, and my husband's unpredictable schedule just about brings me to tears some days.

Today I wanted nothing more than to break out my provisional patent edits that I received last week to review them. I've had one 6-hour period of time on one of our rare coinciding weekends in which I could really get into it. He could be with the kids, and I could get down to business. Believe me when I tell you it needs "getting into." It is so technical and so in depth, that it is sometimes hard to believe it is my invention being described. I even had a dictionary on hand to learn the literal meanings of certain words. (Did you know that furniture means any piece of useful equipment?)

Every time I pick it up, during brief openings seized during my working hours with lighter work loads and nap times, and start getting into one paragraph and making a notation that may or may not reveal itself in another paragraph within this 15-page document (not counting the numerous drawings that require simultaneous review due to the descriptions referring to enumerated components), I have to stop, only to find myself starting all over again later.

My 2-year-old is the cutest most loveable child, but he also happens to not want to sit silently at any point throughout a day. There is no getting away with a "uh-huh" and a nodd of my head.....my eyes must literally avert from my task at hand to prove to him that he has been heard and that I have seen what has him excited. This then MUST be followed with a comment. lol. It isn't like I'm all work and no play. I spend hours with him each day. We learn ABCs, colors, shapes, play games, do puzzles, etc. I just need someone to give me some time here to get this finished!

Hubbie has been called into work. He can't understand why I am near tears. This is my priority at the moment, and it really should only be a priority task for a day, not 2 weeks! Can I find a sitter right now to ease my stress and anxiety - nope - they are all in school! He works my weekends, and I work his weekends, but when he is here, I should be able to have the whole day to accomplish what I want, but it never works out that way. Somebody always needs something, and this even includes HIS employer, as well as him, the kids, my clients, my subcontractors, etc. A lot of it is my fault - I slacked off in some departments to make life easier for a period of time only to find that doing such a thing really isn't me, and now there are projects that are 10 times bigger to face and to fix. I'll explain later.

Okay, I feel I've been heard, despite the fact I have no readers yet! lol. Off to go pay my subcontractors and feel down about shelving the ONE task I would really actually enjoy doing at the moment. Sigh.

Welcome!

Me woman! (I talk caveman for my husband frequently - he seems to understand me better this way).

What else is there to say? It means there is no stopping me and there is no limit to my capabilities. It means I am a master of multitasking and am spread real thin. It means that I don't always make the best decisions and that I have faults. It means I put everyone before myself (trying to change that) and that I am hardest on myself. It means some nights I plop down onto the couch with a sigh and not enough energy to drag myself into bed feeling defeated.

Feel free to join me on my adventures through life and all of its "stuff" as I continue to struggle running a service-based business, being a work-at-home mother to 3 children, and a wife, as well as a wannabe inventor/entrepeneur in that elusive thing called "spare time." I'll discuss the fun and the varied challenges I've faced being involved in so much, which may not be "as much" as some of you (hey, we all have different threshholds), my frustrations in general, and what things have worked for me, as well as those that have not worked for me. I also welcome hearing about the "things" that have worked for others and the "things" that have not as well!

My life is far from perfect, and I can admit that. There is humor to be found in each lesson I've learned along the way!